Here We Go Again
by buffyelliot
Summary: Spuffy - occasional Bangel thrown in. Every tittle is the name of a song from the show Instant Star. Post both Angel and BtVS. How I feel things could have/should have gone down. M for safety and possible later chapters.
1. How I Feel

"_You haven't even come close to hurting me." She says as he throws her around the room, struggling for dominance._

"_Afraid to give me the chance," he retorts just before she wins the battle and throws him into a wall, then shoves him again and pins him there, "You afraid I'm gonna…"_

Slowly, Buffy's eyes fluttered open as a tear escaped her. Once more, the memories had crept back in while she slept. It had been nearly a year, and still she couldn't escape him. The pain in her heart only grew with each day. Quietly, she walked to the bathroom and washed her face before undressing for a shower. The sun was falling over the horizon out her window, which meant she only had an hour before patrol. Sleeping during the day had become normal for her on the weekends.

Since the demise of Sunnydale, or Sunnyhell, the Scoobies had relocated to Rome, where Giles opened a watcher/slayer institute for young men and women who wanted to fight the good fight. Giles – with the help of Willow and Andrew – taught watchers as she and Faith, occasionally, taught slayers. Every few weeks Faith would disappear for a few days. They all knew she'd never fully settle down. Weekend nights were reserved for the advanced students to go on patrol and learn first hand. She took them out to a cemetery and taught them how to do what she lived for.

Things hadn't been smooth since they'd moved. Not for her, anyways. Sleeping was horrible at first; she'd have a nightmare every few nights. Although closing the hellmouth had brought her closure, it had also brought her a broken heart. A little too late, she'd realized the cookies were ready, so they'd become charcoal. Everyone else was doing fine – which pleased her – so she carried on. Lately things had been better. Although she still wasn't as happy as she'd like to be, not only for herself but for everyone around her, she was content. She made the best of what she had. She lived, for him.

As she washed her hair, Buffy let her mind wander. Faith was walking around the flat; she could hear footsteps, so she tried not to get too lost in thought. In an attempt to show Faith she had a home with them, Buffy had offered her a room in the flat. Dawn was in a dorm with a few other girls studying to become a watcher, so she had an extra room, and Faith was a better choice than Andrew. Their relationship would never be anywhere near what it could be, but Buffy knew they were better off this way. They knew each other better than anyone these days, and a great part of that was due to the silent understanding they had. Faith knew Buffy's feelings for Spike without asking.

Willow's voice was heard ten minutes later, and Buffy decided it was time to get out of the hot water. After wrapping a towel around herself, she turned to the mirror to run a brush through her hair. Once she'd finished straightening the tangles, she walked back to her room to get dressed. The girls would show up soon and it wasn't polite of the teacher to keep them waiting. Without wasting time, Buffy dropped her towel and pulled on her underwear and clothes. Earlier she'd laid them out, knowing she would end up taking a little too much time in the shower. Once she'd finished buttoning the jeans, she straightened the grey shirt she had on and walked back the bathroom to quickly blow dry and braid her hair.

"Buff, come on, the girls are down the hall on their way." Faith's voice was heard from just outside her door as she opened it. Her smile eased Faith's worry lines and she walked out to say hi to Willow before the girls came in. "She was already ready, I told you." Faith said to the red head sitting on the kitchen counter when the reached the front room.

"Hey Will, no Kennedy tonight?" she asked, with a brow raised. The two were on and off, every so often one would pick a fight and the other would take refuge in friends. At the moment it looked like Kennedy had picked the fight, which meant Willow would be tagging along for the lesson. Although she'd never admit it, Willow enjoyed patrolling. She'd become quite the fighter in the past year, Buffy was proud of her.

"Xander and Andrew kidnapped her for poker." Willow shrugged and offered a smile.

"More Will for us, then." Buffy smiled and opened the door after hearing a light knock. Five young girls stood before her, with eager eyes. "Alright ladies, what's the first rule?" They each held a stake up before Faith stepped out and past them, followed by Willow.

"Excellent, be prepared." She smiled and shut the door before following them out.

"Pass the chips G-man!" Xander said, a little louder than needed.

"Is it absolutely necessary for you to be so loud?" Giles asked as he passed the bowl of chips to Kennedy to pass to Xander. Andrew was in the kitchen, on his way back in, and Dawn was over at the stereo. They had all decided to spend the night hanging out playing poker and other card games. Willow had opted to go on patrol because she wasn't big on cards.

"Who wanted the coke?" Andrew's a-little-too-feminine voice sounded and Kennedy waved a hand before returning her concentration to her cards. It had been an hour since they'd started the game, Dawn had already quit, and Andrew wasn't in more than a hand. They weren't much for gambling, which was all Kennedy and Xander wanted to do tonight, apparently. Giles was trying to keep the peace between them by staying in the game, but even he was about to quit. They were getting a little too hardcore for him, so the knock on the door came as a relief. Dawn was the closest, so she answered, and nearly regretted it when she did. The thoughts that ran through everyone's minds were interrupted when the first guest spoke.

"Hey everyone, how've you been?" he asked, awkwardly, running a hand through his hair. The entire situation was a bit awkward, as well as surprising. Confusion was thrown in there, but mostly they were shocked. Giles was the first to speak. He'd stood and joined Dawn at the door at that point, and was the only one – it seemed – to be grasping the reality of the situation.

"You must be joking. Angel, you are, joking, aren't you? And this, who is…" he looked closer at the second man, with a skeptical look in his eyes. He wasn't sure what to make of the blonde man. Everyone seemed to silently agree that this situation was far less than ideal, regardless though; he stepped aside for the men to walk in. They understood why he'd done so and walked in so he could close the door.

"Look, there is a lot we need to explain." Angel spoke again, "But you've got to try to remember how unnatural everything involving him is." He nodded towards his companion, and shook his head. Kennedy then caught his eye, and he looked at Giles. "Who is the kid?"

"Irrelevant, Angel. Explain the… Explain." Dawn said, crossing her arms. She had walked around the men – apparently regaining proper thought – and joined Giles in front of them. Her eyes still hadn't left the man at Angel's side. He looked far too much like Spike. Far too much like the man who'd died and left her sister heartbroken. Like the man who had saved the world. This entire situation was out of her comfort zone. She missed Spike as much as Buffy – almost. He was her greatest friend. Spike was the only person who treated her like she wasn't five; like she knew how to be responsible.

"Let me take this one, captain forehead." The man said, stepping forward slightly, so as to make a point that he was going to do the talking, not Angel. "Look, lil bit, it's me-" at that, he was cut off. Dawn's fist hit him harder than she'd struck anyone before, and it sent him staggering back a step or two. His hand instantly went to his jaw, where she'd hit him, and he held out his free hand to stop her continuing assault. "What the bloody hell was that for?" He growled, once he'd figured himself out and stepped back up. His hand was still at his jaw.

"Don't you dare, ever, call me that. Only one person could ever call me that, and he is gone." She stated, firmly, and the glare she was shooting at him – he could've sworn – was enough to kill. Giles stepped forward then, hoping to calm them both down.

"Dawn, give him a chance to explain. Just, calm down. Take a breath and continue… whoever you are…" he looked at the man with an eyebrow raised, still unsure what to make of it all. Andrew was standing beside him, and Xander was beside Dawn at this point. Kennedy was still at the table, but standing like the rest of them, not far away. She wasn't sure what to make of the situation; she was never really a part of the group. Never really one of them.

"First off, you know who I am. Second, when is she coming back?" he asked, his eyes on Dawn. The youngest looked the toughest at this point, and she seemed to be ready to kill him.

"If you're referring to Buffy, she won't be back for a few hours." Giles answered, knowing the question was directed at him.

"Right. Well, I think we all remember how I died… saving the world and whatnot. Bloody well thought that was the end of it, but that wouldn't be right would it? Three weeks later – as I'm told – I appear in Captain Forehead's office after he's opened and envelope. Tried hitting him after one of his brilliant remarks and walked right through the git. Damn well fell over, I did. Well, I tried leaving, but once I hit the street I was back in his office, so after a few more tries we realized I couldn't leave. I was stuck with Broody Brow here." He said, nodding in Angel's direction. "Well, Fred – bless her little heart – tried her hardest to re-corporealize me, but the fates just weren't having that. Wasn't more than a month though, phones were going nuts, things weren't right, and then I walked into a door. Seemed the Powers that Be thought it was time for me to have my body back." His lips curved up, and that old familiar smirk appeared. Dawn's body language changed, to more of a shocked pain than an angry pain. She recognized that smirk, and only one man would ever wear it. He tried to focus on the words he needed to get out, rather than be there for the lil' bit and it proved difficult, but possible. "My first thought, obviously, was '_The girl. Find the girl…_'" he looked down then, the pain still hitting him, "I couldn't though, after dying the way I had… She saw me burn. I couldn't just show up. What would I say, 'Oh, here I am. No worries – I'm back!' I'd died a champion, for her. Showing up would mean I hadn't really died. It was better to let her have a real life than to show up and mess things up all over again.

"I only ever made a mess of things." He finished that bit with a shrug, unsure of how to explain it better. "Well, I went back to Broody Brow and decided to fight with him. If I couldn't have my cake, or eat it, I'd just make the best of the new life I'd been given. Wasn't long before the nancy git got us into a mess, though." He scowled at Angel then, who looked down at his feet. Angel knew he'd messed up, but there was no going back. He'd done wrong, but it was a wrong that simply couldn't be undone. "Well, we went into the latest apocalypse. Fought the senior partner army of hell." He snorted then, "It was a long fight, but we came out on top of course." Spike smirked, and looked at Giles' face. The man looked as though he was seeing a ghost. They knew their story would be hard to believe, but it was a cruel irony that the Scoobies found it hard to believe. They'd seen the worst as well.

"It's you." Dawn whispered, her head shaking slowly. Xander was speechless beside her, getting a bit pale. Kennedy seemed content with the explanation, though still on her guard, and Andrew had gathered himself enough to nearly tackle Spike with a hug. Spike's eyes didn't leave Dawn though, who stood still as stone. Her eyes didn't leave him either, though the tears welling up were enough to blur his image. When Spike had had enough he pried Andrew off and took a step towards Dawn, carefully. She didn't seem to notice, so he put a hand on her shoulder and she fell into him before wrapping her arms around him tightly. Spike hugged her back, but not as firmly, not wanting to hurt her. Xander was the next to speak, apparently having taken enough time to think out the situation.

"So we're all glad you're alive, here… But, what about Buffy? You're okay with taking her new life – however lifeless it may be – away from her now? I mean, she hasn't made much of a life for herself other than teaching potentials, but she's done her best to move on the past year. Now you come back, what about her?" Xander's arms were crossed over his chest. The thought hadn't much occurred to Spike, all he'd thought about was seeing her again; the love of his existence. Before he could reply though, Dawn turned to speak.

"We all know you aren't a fan of their relationship, Xander, but think about this. We'll have Buffy back, the real Buffy. She won't just be going about her daily duties, she be living again. Don't you want that?" she shot him a pleading look. Giles seemed to agree, because he nodded when she'd finished – the look on his face was hard to read between disgust, understanding, and hope.

"You all realize that she's probably going to figure out he's back anyways, right? I mean, we can't really turn them away. There's nowhere for them to go. I'm sure they haven't got money for a hotel room – not that they'd find one sun-proof anyways. And she'll run into him at some point while he's here. We can't turn them away. Not after all he did for us." Kennedy's words were true, and not one of them could deny it.

"The only real question I suppose is when do we tell her?" Giles said, looking at Angel, "It will be hard enough on her to know one is here, knowing they're both here and alive…" Giles looked at Angel now, knowing the last time Buffy spoke of him she wasn't very fond of him. "We can't tell her about them one at a time. So we'll have to do it at the right time. How she takes this will be entirely up to her." He sighed and took off his glasses to clean them. The thoughts running through his mind weren't his alone, but everyone's.

"We need to see her tonight." Angel finally spoke up. They looks he received were less than polite, but he continued. "I know Buffy. As much as you all hate to admit, you know I'm right. If we're here more for a night without her knowing, she'll be pissed. She'll hate us for not telling her sooner already, and she'll hate you all for keeping us from her more than necessary." He shrugged, hating the fact that he was right. They all hated it, but they all knew it to be true.


	2. Unravelling

"As much as it sucks, we have to admit he's right." Xander scowled and crossed his arms, agreeing with Angel. "We've got to tell her tonight, or she'll be pissed that we kept it from her. They'll already be in trouble for not showing up sooner…" his eyes landed on Spike, reincarnated. Quietly everyone shifted where they stood; Kennedy moved to sit down before speaking up.

"Well, we haven't got much time, have we?" she said, holding up her phone. "Willow just texted me, apparently it was a slow night." She glanced at Giles whose eyebrows rose. A slow night was always worrying now, always made them think something bigger was coming. "They're about a half an hour away… So that means you've got to think quick, Angel." She said, pointing the statement at him. If he was going to be captain obvious and point out that they had to tell her, it was up to him to decide how.

"Why don't you just go to her flat? Knock on the door, and explain yourselves like you did with us? I could go with you!" Andrew suggested eagerly. "She'll need someone there who isn't a past lover – someone has to keep her calm." He nodded as he spoke, seeming to convince himself as he came up with the plan.

"As right as you are, I don't think you're the man to do it." Xander snorted, "Buffy tolerates you half the time. What makes you think she'll want you there when she's ready to rip her ex-boyfriend's heads off?" He laughed at the end of his reasoning. "I'll go, and Willow can stay. G-man you should probably come too. Dawn should probably stay here though, wouldn't want her getting hurt if it gets nasty." Xander smiled at the thought. He knew Buffy was going to be pissed.

"I can defend myself, why do you think you'd be able to? Last I checked you weren't much of a fighter either." Dawn scowled, releasing Spike to cross her arms. The tears had dried up and her face was determined. "I say all of the Scoobies should be there – only fair."

"You all know we're talking about Buffy right? You talk about her like she can't defend herself. Not to mention Faith is there. Don't you think the two of them will be able to handle themselves? Let them go alone, and send Willow back. We can catch her up here. It's going to be a personal thing guys. She loved both these men, and both are showing up after all this time… Can't you just let her breathe?" Kennedy asked, seeming to be the voice of reason

"Kennedy is right." Giles admitted, everyone else seemed to agree because they kept their mouths shut. "We've got to let her stand on her own two feet this time. There's nothing we can do about how she reacts. She'll take this however she takes it. So let's not stand in the way." He sighed and cleaned his glasses again, unsure of his words. He hated to think his slayer had to go through this alone, but there was no other way. They stood in silence for the next few moments. Nobody seemed to know what to do with themselves, there wasn't much to do.

"Maybe we should wait at her flat. It'll be easier on the lot of you if we're there and she doesn't know we saw you all first until the rough bit has passed. She'll be upset you didn't call her back right away." Spike said, looking at Dawn. "I'll come see you as soon as it's done. I promise." He whispered to her alone, quiet enough so only she and Angel would hear. Angel nodded and walked to the door as Spike hugged the young girl. "Hopefully she won't go postal." He joked, trying to lighten the mood as they shut the door behind him.

"You honestly believe she won't try to kill you?" Angel asked once they began walking. The scent of the slayer led them in the right direction. Both could feel the eyes of the gang on their backs as they went.

"I know she will. She'll try to kill you too, git. It's not like I'm the only one who's kept a secret. You were just as wrong as I was." He smirked, liking the idea of Buffy killing old broody brow. "If we're lucky she'll succeed." A laugh escaped him as Angel growled. "To be frank, I'll be glad if she tries killing us. At least she'll be showing she understands the situation - believes it. Buffy is no fool. She's grown up since you knew her. Not so easy to be fooled." He spoke fondly, remembering the time he'd spent with the woman he loved so dearly.

"I'm not an idiot. I know she's grown up. She'll just always be that shocked sixteen year old, innocent, and new to the world of pain in my eyes. Before all of this, the worst she knew was a divorce between her parents. That was the end of her life then. Not making the cheer squad. She's a strong woman. She's become a strong woman. Those seem trivial to her now." Angel's voice was trailing off, and he wasn't sure if he was reminding himself or stating facts to Spike. When they reached her door, both stood in silence, not sure of what to do with themselves. Obviously they were in for a long night.

^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^

"Sorry tonight was so uneventful girls. Hopefully we'll have more to do next time." Buffy sighed and waved goodnight to the girls when they got to the school. She stood beside Willow and Faith watching the girls for a few minutes, to make sure they all got back to their rooms. When they saw the last door close they headed back up to the flat. "Want to hang out? Watch a movie?" she asked the women on either side of her, hoping to avoid going back to sleep. Another dream meant another memory to her, and that was the last thing she wanted after a slow night.

"I'm in." Faith shrugged and supplied a smile. They both looked at Willow who nodded in agreement before turning to look back down the hall. Their door was right in front of them, but they didn't have the hall to themselves. A pain struck Buffy hard in the chest. She was seeing things, she had to be. It wasn't until Faith grabbed her arm that she believed they were really there. Willow had stopped a few steps before them, so she was further back.

"Go get Giles." Faith's order was directed at Willow as she tried to hold Buffy up. The blonde's legs seemed to be jell-o. "What the hell is wrong with you? Help me!" she shouted at Angel. Before he could move, the blonde man stepped forward and took Buffy in his arms in one swift movement, picking her up in a cradled position.

"The door." He mumbled eyes on Buffy. Faith didn't waste time in unlocking the door and pushing it open. When she turned to watch the men walk in she realized she hadn't invited either in.

"Get in! Shit!" she shouted, trying not to be too loud and alert the rooms full of slayers in the building. Both men walked in, Angel closed the door and the blonde man set Buffy on the couch. He kneeled beside her; their eyes hadn't strayed from each other since he'd got his arms around her. "You! Get away from her! Move." She demanded, reaching for her stake. Angel stepped forward and grabbed her wrist.

"Stop, wait." He said, pointing at the two at the couch. Buffy was sitting up know, tears welling up in her eyes. Many emotions were playing across her face. The expressions would've been funny had the situation been different. Angel moved to the couch, then, and sat by her facing her. Faith made her way around to stand beside the second man.

"Faith, it's him. It's really him. You see him too, right?" she whispered, her eyes still on Spike. Faith's mouth dropped as she kneeled down to look at Buffy closer. Just as she was about to speak Buffy's expression changed to a look of anger. "You're alive? You didn't die?" she nearly growled at him. Spike leaned back then, getting as far away as he could without being too far away to reach out and touch her if need be. "You let me think you died for a year? After all that happened? After what I said?" she turned and looked at Angel then, "And you! You knew he was alive? You knew how I felt, and you knew he was alive, but didn't find it necessary to tell me?" Standing up, Buffy swung her fist and knocked Angel in the jaw before turning to unleash her fury on Spike. "You let me hurt! You let me believe I'd lost…" her words fell short as her foot met his chest. Faith – finally realizing what was going on – stood and wrapped her arms around Buffy from behind.

"Stop B. Let them explain!" she spoke into Buffy's ear, trying to get through as Buffy tried to break free. "I'm sure they've got a reasonable explanation. I promise, if they don't we'll take them out old school." Faith's jaw was clenched as she tried to restrain the struggling blonde, but Buffy relaxed slightly at the promise. "I'm going to let you go. Just calm down, give them time to explain." She said calmly, slowly releasing Buffy.

"Right." Spike said, pushing himself up to a standing position with a hand on his chest where she'd hit him. Angel was standing in a defensive stance near the couch, apparently having figured himself out as she'd assaulted Spike. "I did die. I burned with the town. That happened." He stated, trying to make his point so she'd calm down a bit more. His words didn't seem to help much, though, so he continued. "Well, Angel here opened an envelope three weeks later, out fell the amulet, there appeared me." He shrugged. "Well, after one of his expected remarks, I went to hit him and went right through the git. Nearly fell on my bloody face." He shook his head. Spike was speaking cautiously, trying to avoid getting hit again. "Made an effort to leave but it seemed no sooner would I hit the street that I'd pop back into Broody Brow's office. So leaving wasn't an option. I was stuck. Fred… She tried her hardest to get me my body. Damn near got it once, but no such luck. Soon enough the Powers that Be decided they'd had their bloody fun." Spike scowled. "Well, next thing I know I'm able to leave… All I want to do is find you." He looked at Buffy, his heart bleeding for her. "I couldn't though. Not after how I'd died. Wouldn't be right, would it? I died a champion's death for you, pet. Couldn't just show up, here I am alive again. You deserved the life I meant to give you by dying with that damn town.

"After a bit of thinking I went back, asked to help. Ended up getting myself into Captain Forehead's mess - went into another apocalypse with him. Fought the senior partners army." He shrugged trying to show he didn't have anymore to say about the subject, "We couldn't stay there any longer, so we came here at night fall. Here we are." He held up his hands and looked at her hopefully. There was no way he'd be able to leave her again – not unless she asked him to.

"Why didn't you call? We could have helped fight." Faith spoke up, her eyes on Angel. "I thought you trusted us." Her words were sharp, they stung.

"I do trust you. We couldn't very well call you into it though. We didn't have time. It all happened fast, one minute it's just begun, the next it's all over. We lost Wes and Illyria…" Angel looked down, his thoughts racing as the memories played in his head. He'd watched Illyria go down. "Gunn made it through, but he had things to do he said. Needed to get to the hospital, mostly," the image of their only surviving friend flashed through his mind. "He was close to death. We couldn't find the words to apologize, so we had to go. Left your number though – at the hospital – so he should call at some point…"

"Can I have a minute?" Buffy asked, not bothering to wait for a reply before standing and making her way to her room. Once she was in the door she pushed it shut behind her and leaned against it. Didn't take her long to slide down, hug her legs to her chest, and let the tears flow.


	3. Your Eyes

"This isn't fair." She whispered, finally gathering herself. "This isn't fair." She whispered again, shoving off the floor to a standing position and beginning to pace. Her arms were crossed tightly across her chest, and her eyes were on the floor. It had been nearly a year, and she'd tried her damndest to move on with her life. "Why is this happening?" Buffy shook her head. A light tapping on the door shook her out of her thoughts. Instead of yelling for them to leave – like she wished she could have – she opened the door to find Angel waiting for her. Thinking for a moment, about how to react, she stared at him. It was either talk to one of them, or talk to everyone. At this point, Angel was her best bet.

"Thanks." He mumbled, walking past her into the room after she nodded. The door was pushed closed behind him and she walked to sit on the bed. "Look, I know this is hard for you. I know you didn't ask for this – you don't deserve this – but we're at a loss. We've got nowhere to go, and you know we wouldn't have come if it wasn't absolutely necessary." He looked at her, hoping to see forgiveness, or understanding.

"That's the whole problem, Angel." She stated, her words were sharp like knives. He was about to speak when she began again. "The both of you treat me like I'm some porcelain doll, easily broken. You act like I don't have the right to make my own decisions, like I'm too fragile, but I'm not. I'm old enough to think for myself, I've been doing it for a while now. I know you'll never admit it but you understand me. You know exactly what I mean. It's got to end now, or I'm not going to deal with either of you. Either you accept that I'm a grown woman, or you get out, because things have changed. This is my life now, and you can't just come and screw with it as you please anymore." Her eyes were cold and her arms were crossed again. The way she stood, flat on both feet shoulder length apart, it all told him that she was serious. Her words were more than just facts, they were promises.

"I get it. I understand." He nodded, begrudgingly admitting defeat. There was no way he could fight her on this, not after all the damage their showing up had already caused. Buffy was right. They needed to treat her like the woman she'd become. "You've got to know though; we didn't want it to be this way." He looked at her before whispering the last part, "I don't want it to be this way." His eyes lingered on hers for a moment more before he turned to walk to the door. "Even if you're cookies for him." The last sentence was silent as he stepped out into the hall. He knew she probably wouldn't hear it, but said it anyways. Closing the door behind him, he made his way back to join Spike and Faith, who were sitting awkward and silent on the couch awaiting his return.

"So?" Faith looked up first, with a hopeful look in her eyes. "Did you sort it out?" For the past year, Buffy had done her best to make Faith feel as though she had a home. Their friendship had developed, and she'd never admit it, but she'd lay her life down for Buffy. Seeing the pain this was causing her was killing Faith. The entire situation sucked – to say the least – but the worst of it was not knowing how things were going to turn out.

"We've got to let her think for herself. Give her space. She'll sort it out for herself and come find us when she's ready. For the time being though, I think it'll be best if we're not here." Faith's confused look made him smile "We're not going far, just back to Giles' flat. We don't have many options. You should get some sleep. We'll talk tomorrow." He smiled at her before nodding for Spike to come with him. After another moment of staring down the hall to the door Buffy was behind, Spike stood and walked out. His heart stayed there.

"How long do you think it'll take her?" he asked Angel, as they made their way back. "I'm not so sure I can promise to keep my distance…" he looked over his shoulder, though they were already far enough away that the door was no longer in sight. Angel sighed as they rounded a corner.

"I'm not sure. But let's hope it's not long. She can't be distracted." Instead of getting into a discussion about it, he let the conversation end there. There was no good to come of them talking about her. It would only get them into trouble. Both men wanted nothing more than to hold her in their arms once more. Sadly though, it wasn't an option for either at this point in time. The most they could do was find a dark part of the school to spend the day in.

^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^

"They're gone." Faith's voice was gentle following the slightly rough knock on the door. Buffy mumbled something along the lines of 'come in' and laid back on the bed. "You gonna be alright, B? I know it's hard to grasp, but they're here to stay for a while." When she reached the bed, Faith kicked her shoes off and fell backwards onto it beside Buffy, facing the up like the blonde. "The last thing they meant to do by not telling you was hurt you. They thought they were doing what was best."

"I know." Buffy spoke quietly, just above a whisper. "That's what sucks so much. They treat me like a child, but they do it with the best intentions. It's hard to be so pissed when I know I should be." She closed her eyes for a second before returning her gaze to the ceiling. "I told him I loved him…" she swallowed hard, trying to focus on the thoughts racing through her mind. "...just before he died. I hadn't realized until then." Her voice had gotten softer, but she was still speaking loud enough for Faith to hear. "All that time I spent with him, all the times we defiled each other…

"He always loved me. All he ever wanted from me was love. I disgusted myself. So I told him I couldn't do it anymore." Her breath hitched as she remembered the time they'd spent together before his soul. "Then, when he came back… He was so helpless, so pained. I hated seeing him like that, but I couldn't love him. It wasn't until I saw him there, fighting to save our asses. To save the world that had done nothing but wrong to him." She closed her eyes as a tear escaped her. "I saw him fighting and I thought 'that is the man I love. That is a champion.'" One of her hands moved up to brush the hair off her forehead. "He was a champion and he died a champion. And all I'd ever done was hurt him, like everyone else." A silent sob escaped her as more tears fell from her eyes. "He just loved me Faith, and I hurt him. He thought he hurt me, but I hurt him." She whispered, more to herself than Faith, "I hurt myself."

"He doesn't blame you B. He loves you." She said, her hand finding Buffy's and holding it tight. "I may never understand how you can feel that way, I may never like it, but I see it - in you and in him." Her words got a bit quieter at the end, because she wasn't sure if she was talking about Spike anymore, or Angel. The looks both men had been giving her were more than Faith's stomach would normally be able to handle. "Just let yourself heal. You'll know when you're ready to talk to them." She said, stroking the back of Buffy's hand with her thumb.

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"Well?" Dawn asked once they got inside. "What happened?" she looked at Spike, who seemed drained more than anything. After catching Willow up they'd all sat around discussing the possible outcomes – all of them were more than curious as to the way things would go down.

"She needs space." He shrugged, turning to look at Angel who nodded before looking back at Dawn.

"So that's it? You told her and you left?" she looked shocked. Most of them did, really. Giles seemed to be the only one accepting their answer. Willow still looked as though she wasn't sure if she was dreaming.

"Look, when Buffy's ready to talk we'll tell you more. Until then, there is no more to it. We told her what happened, she asked for space. We're giving it to her. End of story." Angel spoke up, his eyes on Xander, who seemed the most irritated by the outcome.

"Why don't you all go get some rest?" Giles suggested, taking his glasses off for a routine cleaning. "I'll get them settled in and we'll discuss this further in the morning. I think it's been a long night for us all, but that's no excuse for canceling or skipping classes tomorrow. Let's not forget we're running a school here…" he gestured around him, trying to remind them all that they weren't just the Scoobies anymore. Everyone seemed to understand that Giles wasn't going to negotiate, and left one by one except Dawn.

"I'll walk you back, lil bit." Spike smiled defeated at her and walked out. Once they were down the hall, she looked up over at him, but continued walking.

"What really happened?" she asked a look of worry in her eye. 'Leave it to Dawn' Spike thought, 'To assume the worst of the situation.' He chuckled and shot her a tired smile.

"Really, nothing happened. She hit us each, talked with Angel about us treating her like an adult, and we left. You know your sister. She'll work it out. Bloody well better." Dawn smiled at that, and he smiled back. They reached her dorm then, and he gave her a hug. "I'm guessing we're going to stay with Mr. Librarian tonight, so if you need me you know where I am." He looked at her, a shred of hope shared between them. Both wanted nothing more than to see Buffy live again, happy.

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"I've got coffee!" Xander shouted down the hall after Buffy let him in the next morning. Willow was in the kitchen making bagels, and Faith was still in her room getting dressed. "How'd you sleep last night? Did you sleep?" he looked at his friend for the first time that morning. Buffy's eyes had light rings around them, which meant she either hadn't slept much, or hadn't slept well, and neither comforted him.

"I slept well enough." She shrugged, "As well as was expected." She laughed lightly, trying to lighten the mood. Willow hadn't said a thing yet, so she knew she was in for the third degree. They were just waiting for their moment. "Before you try, I'm not talking about it. Just let me think, guys." She looked at them pleadingly as she took a drink of the coffee Xander had set in front of her. "Are they at Giles' flat?"

"That's what we're guessing. I mean, they were when we left last night." Willow shrugged and took a bite of her bagel as Faith walked in. "Not many other places for them to go, seeing as one wrong move and they're fighting a pack of teenage girls." Willow laughed lightly at the thought and returned her attention to her bagel.

"Speaking of, in each of your classes you've got to warn the students. We'll tell the girls." Buffy reminded them, before taking a bite of her bagel. "Don't forget!" With that, she grabbed her coffee and left to find Dawn. They hadn't talked since the day before, and Buffy had to know how Dawn was handling it all. Of them all, Dawn was closest with Spike. She knew him being back would be weird for her little sister, especially since she was the only other one who had really felt the loss.


	4. Fade To Black

When Buffy reached Dawn's dorm, she knocked gently. Dawn had two roommates that Buffy tried to avoid. Both frequently bombarded her with questions about what it was like being a slayer, although they were studying to be Watchers. Their curiosity got the best of them. When Dawn answered the door with her bag over her shoulder, a look of relief crossed the blonde's face. "Hey Dawn, want to take a walk with me before class?" she asked, wanting to get down to the talking before they were late.

"Sure Buff," she nodded and stepped out, closing the door behind her. The sisters walked in silence for a moment before one spoke up, "So, are you going to ask me how I feel about him being back? Cause I can't really answer. I mean, I'm happy he's alive – undead. I'm happy he's back. The only problem is, I'm not sure what to think of it all." Dawn started, "I mean, how is this going to affect everyone? How is this going to affect us?" she looked at her older sister, worry crossing her face.

"I don't know, Dawnie. All I can think about it how happy I am to know he's not gone forever. You know?" she looked down, speaking quietly as she replied, "So much time has passed though, and we've made lives for ourselves. There is so much to consider now, and that's if he decides to stick around…" she glanced around at the groups around them, some girls, and some boys, some mixed. "This doesn't just affect the Scoobies anymore, this affects the entire school. This is a Watcher and Slayer academy. These kids are taught to kill him. Both of them." She remembered Angel for the first time since they'd begun talking and her heart sped a bit. She hadn't considered both of them staying, she'd only thought of Spike. "We'd have to teach them all over again, about vampires with souls. None of them have been taught about it yet."

"It can't be so hard, I mean, you learned it, and accepted it. Didn't you?" Dawn asked, looking at Buffy. Her face was a mixture of worry and hope. Dawn didn't want to lose her best friend again, and she knew Buffy couldn't take losing him again. She wasn't sure Buffy could handle losing Angel either at this point, after she'd already lost so much.

"I did, but I learned because I was in love. These girls and boys… Half of them haven't seen a vampire yet! They won't get it as quickly." She glanced around again, a bit worried someone might hear their conversation.

"Look, Buff," Dawn stopped, and Buffy stopped when she realized her sister had. "This is your school, I'm not going to tell you how to run it, but you're going to have to teach them at some point. Not just about good vampires, either. There are good demons too, remember Clem? There is good in some of them. These kids deserve to know that." She gestured around her, "I'm gonna go to class, Professor Rosenberg doesn't like it when I'm late." She said, and with that, Dawn turned and walked away leaving Buffy to think about what she'd said as she made her way to her own classes.

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"I want you all to bring in your essays on proper staking techniques by Wednesday, no later! And don't forget, the big broody guy and the blonde smart ass are friends, not foes!" Buffy called out as the girls ran for the door at three o'clock. Faith chuckled in the corner and shook her head. "What?" Buffy asked, looking irritated as she walked back to her desk to pick up her jacket and bag.

"You've become what we hated, B. Those girls were about to fall asleep! Just because the ex's came to town doesn't mean you've got to make the girls suffer. They're used to practicing staking techniques, not writing about them." She shook her head again and stood up, ready to watch some TV and relax for the rest of the day. They began walking down the hall as they spoke on the way to their flat.

"Look Faith, those girls have never been taught about good vampires. They don't understand. It'll be better if they're out of practice for a few days, the last thing we need is an accident." She cringed at the thought of one of the girls getting hurt for trying to do what they've been taught. "You know as well as I do they wouldn't stand a chance against Spike or Angel."

"You've got me there, but an essay? Come on B!" she laughed and unlocked the door as they reached it. "Did you talk to Dawn?" Faith looked at Buffy then, as Buffy closed the door behind them.

"Yeah," she nodded and set down her purse and jacket on the table by the door. "She's saying we should start teaching the girls that not all demons are bad. Like Clem, Angel and Spike, how they're on our side. I don't know though, I mean. They're pretty special guys. I haven't met any other demons who were genuinely good other than them." She shrugged and walked to the kitchen in search of a drink. "I'll have to talk to Giles about it, see what he says. He's in charge here."

"You know he'll give you a million reasons not to do it, so why bother? You're right, we've met three, and we got lucky with them. The chances of us running into another 'good' demon, or vampire with a soul are pretty much at zero. All you need to focus on right now is which one you'll get back with." Faith winked and nudged Buffy as she made her way to the fridge for a beer.

"Very funny," Buffy shook her head and sighed, "I'm gonna head of to Giles' flat. Don't let any of the girls catch you drinking!" she said as she made her way to the door, "Don't let any of them drink, either." Buffy added as an after thought before walking out and closing the door once more.

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"He's just through there, I think." Giles answered Dawn's question about Spike's whereabouts before taking off his glasses for cleaning. The situation reminded him a lot of the college years, when Spike had just got the chip. He was about ready to drive a stake through the blonde's heart himself when Dawn had showed up. Angel and Spike were limited to the two back rooms in the flat, because they were the only two without windows, and no exposure to the sun in the hallway. "Be careful, he's himself again." Giles sighed and shook his head before putting his glasses back on his face in time to see Dawn disappear into one of the rooms. The knocking on the door was an excellent distraction, so Giles made his way to the door and pulled it open.

"Hey Giles," Buffy smiled and walked in, without waiting to be invited, and made her way to the kitchen looking for a cup. "I figure we're gonna talk about it sooner or later, so why not now?" Buffy looked over her shoulder at him as he walked away from the now closed door and towards the kitchen where she was pouring herself a glass of milk.

"You realize they're both here, of course." He glanced at the hallway, where he was sure both men were on edge at the mere smell of her entering and not being able to see her. "Of course." He added when she nodded with a smile before taking a drink. "Well, how do you feel about this all?"

"How do you think I feel?" she retorted as she set the glass down and made her way to the couch in the middle of the front room. "I don't know what to feel." She shrugged as she sat and leaned back. Giles walked over and sat on the chair across from her before he responded, a look of deep though crossing his face.

"Well, as expected you're fine. No signs of a depression or any other drastic emotion. I suppose you want me to answer all the questions?" he asked, knowing the answer already, so he continued without waiting for her to speak, "I can't tell you how to feel about this all, or what to do. All I can say is you've got to think about everyone, not just yourself. Those girls all look up to you, they're your students, and you're their teacher. You aren't just looking out for the Scoobies anymore, Buffy. There is more to the situation than that."

"I know, Giles, thanks for pointing that out." Buffy's words were riddled with attitude. She hated admitting he was right, but she'd known it all along that she had to think of how them staying would affect the school. "We can't send them away, they haven't got anywhere to go." She sighed and glanced down the hall over Giles' shoulder. "So I guess we'll have to talk to the girls about it. We'll need to hold a night assembly." Buffy closed her eyes and laid her arm across her face, covering her eyes.

"It's not the end of the world Buffy, you've seen that once or twice before, and you know this doesn't compare, so don't act like it." Dawn said, stepping out of the hallway. "They'll think it's cool, danger is cool these days."

"Dawn, I don't think you understand how serious this situation is." Buffy scowled before uncovering her face and sitting up. "Having them here puts all of the students at risk! They may know how to control themselves, but who's to say one of the girls won't get smart and try to fight one of them. None of them are finished with school yet; they won't know how to defend themselves against Angel or Spike's years of fighting."

"You really think Angel or Spike would hurt any of us?" Dawn shot back, crossing her arms with a know-it-all look on her face.

"You're missing my point Dawn." Buffy sighed and leaned back again before looking at Giles. He was sitting back and keeping his mouth shut. "You agree with her, don't you? You don't think they'll hurt any of the girls."

"Wasn't it you who was fighting for Spike just a year ago, saying he was different, he'd changed, he was one of us?" Dawn looked at Giles, then, "She's being irrational Giles. This isn't fair! You know as well as I do neither of them would do a thing to hurt one of those girls! Haven't they proven themselves by this point?"

"Dawn is right, in that sense, Buffy." Giles spoke up, "You were the one defending Spike just a year ago, and a few years before that you were defending Angel. You can't pick and choose when to back them up because you've been hurt." Buffy scowled at him then, and crossed her own arms. "You look like a child, and you're acting like one. Face your problems Buffy, because nobody is going to face them for you, and neither of those men came here to do you harm. They came because they trust all of us, and they need a place to stay." Giles, being the voice of reason apparently, stood at that and walked to the kitchen, meaning he was finished with the discussion. Dawn grabbed her bag from the floor by the hall and headed for the front door, leaving Buffy to face her fears alone. Slowly, the blonde stood and made her way to the hallway.

"Here goes nothing…" she whispered to herself, inaudibly before taking those last couple steps to the end of the hall where the sun left her.


	5. Where Does It Hurt

Alright, I feel I 'ought to warn you all – this chapter is completely unplanned. I'm writing as I go and publishing as is. I feel that's the only way I can go about this part. Hopefully you'll like this.  
Also, my apologies if Spike and Giles don't exactly come off as British. I'm American, I haven't the slightest clue how to write and make it sound better than I've done thus far. If you hate it, I'm sorry. It's the best I can do.

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"I realize you'll have a hard time with it, but try to refrain from opening your mouth and let me speak?" Buffy asked as she walked in the room. He was sitting in a chair in the corner watching TV. Her eyes wandered over his body, the man she'd missed for so long. The man she'd mourned. His nod was slow; like he was afraid she'd attack him or something, as if he didn't trust her. "I'm not going to jump down your throat. I'm not going to yell or scold, I just have to get some things out, and I need you to be silent." She added and watched as he relaxed once more. "When I said I love you, I meant it. There you were, standing there with this huge glowing thing running through you, saving the world, and all I could think was how wonderful the man I love looked. How brave and strong you looked standing there, doing what was right. I told you I love you and you denied me. You didn't believe me. You shattered me." Buffy took a deep breath and began pacing back and forth in front of him. The painful look on his face was too much for her to handle at this point, so she avoided it. "I made myself weak and vulnerable to you. I gave you my all in that moment, and you shut me down. I spent a year without you after that. Each day was a struggle for me. In the beginning I couldn't sleep. Nightmares plagued me.

"However hard I thought my life was, though, it only got harder each time I saw the way my friends would look at me. So I got strong again." She closed her eyes briefly, to remember her point. "I've spent all this time trying to move forward. To be the woman I should be, and fight the good fight. Trying to make what you did worth it…" the words died out as she tried her damndest not to get emotional. "Then, you show up here and you tell me you've been alive – or undead – or whatever all this time and expect me to what? Welcome you with open arms? It's not going to be like that. I'm not going to just fall back into some old rhythm because it's familiar. I've got more people to worry about now, the last thing I need to do is screw myself up again." Her eyes finally dared a glance at him. His face was unreadable, partially due to the dim lighting. He was neither happy, nor sad, she could see that.

"Is it my turn now, pet?" that beautiful familiar voice was a bit raspy, probably due to dryness. Buffy was very nearly certain they hadn't had anything to drink since they'd arrived. When she nodded, he continued. "While nothing would please me more than to remind you all the ways I can love you right now, I didn't come here with those intentions. I came here because I had nowhere else to go. Don't take that as an insult, love, because it isn't meant as one. Last thing I want to do is ruin your life. Come here, get you back, ruin all the work I did in dying the first time 'round. I already told you that's why I didn't come back right away." Spike stood then, wanting desperately to reach out and touch her, but knowing it was best if he didn't. "I know you don't want to understand, but please try? The last thing I ever meant was to cause you harm. What I did was no grand gesture for the world, I did it for you. And for myself."

"You honestly want me to believe you want nothing to do with me?" Buffy looked into his eyes, her arms crossed over her chest. All she was getting from his little speech was that he didn't want her he just needed somewhere safe to stay for the time being. When she couldn't bare it anymore, she continued. It had seemed like hours went by, but no time had passed since she'd finished her question. "Fine," she stated, with the straightest face she could keep without letting the pain spill out, "You can stay. We're going to have an assembly with all the students. You need to be there, so does Angel. Giles will tell you when and where." With that, she turned and walked out. Her breathing was deep and calming, she knew she needed to talk to Angel before she could leave. After she'd taken a second to gather herself she walked into the second room. When she was about to speak, Spike interrupted, apparently having followed her across the hall.

"You know that's not what I meant, that's not fair." He'd raised his voice slightly, Angel stood when he entered and put his hands on his hips.

"What did you say now?" he growled and glanced between the two who'd just entered, his eyes landing on Spike. "Are you capable of keeping your mouth shut long enough to keep your foot out of it?" Angel shook his head before looking at Buffy again. "What'd he say?"

"Nothing, he didn't say anything," Buffy shook her head, speaking over Spike's attempt to explain himself. "Just let me talk to Angel Spike. Can we just not do this now?" she glanced at him over her shoulder as she spoke before turning back to Angel.

"Tonight. We're talking." Spike mumbled before backing out and making his way back to the other room, stopping only long enough to glance back once more and see Angel sit back down and Buffy take a seat on the opposite end of the bed, against the wall. Buffy rolled her eyes when the door closed behind him and looked back at Angel.

"Sorry." She sighed and looked down for a second before back up at him. "You can stay, but we have to have some sort of an assembly. To let the students know you guys are safe." She said, knowing he'd probably already figured out that they'd need to tell the students for himself. Angel was always the quick thinker. "And no, I don't want to talk about that. I don't even want to talk to that," she gestured across the hall where Spike had gone, "But sadly I must. I'll get over it though, just as I did with you and with Riley." Her eyes were no longer on Angel, but on her hands in her lap.

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I'm honestly not sure how I feel about this chapter. On one hand I feel it's rushed and ridiculous and just all bad. On the other hand, I think it's got the right emotions in it, and I think it really captures the depth of Buffy's pain. The biggest downside to it, however, is how out of character I'm nearly positive I made everyone. I tried though, I knew this wouldn't be an easy one to do. Anyways, let me know what you think?


	6. That Was Us

Alright, sorry the last chapter was so short, sorry I suck at updating, and sorry for anything you don't like about the story. (:

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"When are we going to do the assembly?" Angel asked calmly after giving her a moment to gather herself.

"I'm not sure yet." She sighed and took in a deep breath, "Giles will have to figure all that out, that's his job. But you'll both need to be there, so the students can see who they're supposed to be looking out for and know why." One of her hands moved up to run through her hair as she glanced at him. "Do you think life will ever be easy?"

"Life isn't meant to be easy," Angel shrugged and looked down at the bed, knowing she was in a rough spot. This wasn't exactly what he'd wanted when they'd come here, the last thing he wanted to do was put Buffy in a bad position. When they'd made the decision it was because they had nowhere else to go. Now he was sort of regretting it. All they seemed to be doing was complicate her life, but sadly they couldn't leave now. That would only make things worse.

"I guess." She nodded, knowing he was right. Before standing, she glanced at him once more. "I know you didn't mean to make things so messy. Either of you." The last part she added quietly, before making her way out of the room and down the hall. Giles was sitting at his desk on the computer, probably planning some lecture to give his students the next day. Without stopping on her way out she told him they'd be having an assembly soon, "Since you're in charge, you get to plan it." She added and closed the door behind her ready to go back and have a beer with Faith. Drinking was never Buffy's favorite thing, but occasionally she fell victim to the need for intoxication. She had a feeling it would be a long night. Thankfully, her classes on Tuesdays were scheduled for eleven to three instead of nine to one.

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"You honestly think he's gonna forget, B?" Faith laughed as she watched Buffy open her third beer for the night, a new record. It was only nine and she'd gotten back around three thirty. Faith knew Buffy would never really let herself go and drink the way she did almost every night, but three was a big number for someone who never drank more than one. Most the time Buffy would drink she'd give half to Faith, so she knew this was about to be a long night. "I think I might go stay at Willow and Kennedy's. Give you guys some space, you know? If you need me I'll have my phone. I just think it's best if you've got the place to yourselves…" her words trailed off as she watched Buffy stand and begin pacing, beer in hand. At this point she wasn't sure if Buffy heard a word she was saying. "I'm gonna go kill some people, you know, raise hell like the old days. That sound good to you?" she asked, with a smirk on her face.

"Very funny," Buffy scowled shooting a look in her roommate's direction. "I'll call you when he leaves, in case you want to come back." Buffy added before resuming the pacing she'd begun. When she heard the door closing ten minutes later, Buffy let out a noise similar to a groan and walked to the kitchen to lean against the counter. "What the fuck." She whispered to herself, before finishing off her beer and setting the empty bottle on the counter beside the sink, where the other empties sat waiting for recycling. "Why did I have to open my mouth and tell him the truth? Why did I let this all happen…" she added and closed her eyes, her hands finding their way up to her temples to gently rub circles as she tried to dismiss the migraine that was creeping its way in. Slowly she began to take deep even breaths, hoping to calm herself down and relax before he showed up. There was no way he was going to forget. Spike, of all people, was never one to forget the plans he made. No more than ten minutes had passed when she heard a knock on her door, and everything was making her dizzy as she very slowly walked to the door. Her hand gently wrapped around the handle, and she pulled it open, and there he was. The man she'd never know how to get over. The man she could nearly cry when she saw him. Her heart bled for the man before her, and he would never understand that.

"Can I…" he gestured inside and she nodded before swallowing and stepping aside for him to come in. For a second, her eyes glanced around outside to see if any of the students had seen him before closing the door and turning to see he'd taken a seat in her favorite chair. 'Lovely.' She thought to herself before walking over, slowly once more, and taking a seat on the couch.

"Look," she began as she sat straight up, "I don't know why you're here. I don't want to talk about this, and I don't want to talk to you." She said, with a blank face, trying harder than ever to mask her feelings.

"Then don't talk. Just listen." His words were firm, so she'd know to just shut up. "I love you. I didn't even know love until I knew you. I spent the best years of my eternal life loving you, even if I didn't know it yet. When I finally made love to you, I attained something I didn't know I'd been waiting so long for. The time we spent in what I'm still unsure about calling a relationship meant more to me than I'll ever be able to express to you. You taught me more about life than I bothered to learn in the many years I've spent on this bloody Earth. When you let me stay with you and trusted me around those potentials, even after you'd seen me crazy… I couldn't begin to describe how much it made me love you all the more. You showed me you had faith in me, that you trusted me. Those nights we spent together, just holding you… Nothing will ever matter more to me than those nights. You'd never looked more beautiful to me. I could've sworn my heart beat when you said you were there with me. I was so happy, more than I'll ever be again I'm sure. Then you told me the amulet was meant for a champion and you gave it to me. To me," he repeated quietly to himself, the memories flooding into his mind, "I knew you loved me, before you even said it. When we were down there, just us, and you were looking at me before I died, I saw in your eyes…

"I had to say it though. I had to let you believe I didn't believe you. You would've tried to get me to go with you, or worse you would've stayed with me to burn. That was my end Buffy. I needed to do that so you would have a normal life, because if I went with you, you'd never be able to live. Life with me would've been nice at its best, but I'd never be able to give you a family, or the happy ending you deserve. You know that as well as I do. You would've grown to resent me." His voice was cracking as the words came out more rushed. Tears were silently falling down her cheeks as she slowly slumped down into the couch during his heartfelt speech. The words he spoke were crushing her, and she wasn't able to mask the pain anymore, this time she just let it show. "I know you'll try to deny it, pet, but you know it's true. No matter which way you look at it, happily ever after isn't in the cards for us." He spoke softly as he finished, trying to control the emotion in his voice. "I love you Buffy. I had to let you go because I love you. I'll always love you." The end last part came out just barely audible, she wouldn't have heard if it wasn't so silent in the flat. It took her a few moments to gather her thoughts, so he sat there in silence waiting, letting her take it all in.

"I would've been happy. You would've made me happy. I don't care about having a family, I care about you. Letting you go was the hardest thing I've ever done – I'll ever do." She had to stop to take a breath as the tears started to flow more rapidly, "My soul died with you that day, my heart stopped beating right the moment I got off that bus and looked back at what was left behind." She whispered, between small silent sobs. The hole in her chest had never felt more empty as she sat there looking at the man she'd never be able to quit. "I died when you died. You didn't give me life, you gave me death."

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There you have it. The chapter that took me four hours to write, although it's short. I have a feeling you'll all be terribly upset with the upcoming plot twist, but rest assured there will be happiness for our favorite couple in the end.


	7. Could Be You

I felt so… Weird writing this chapter. It was extremely difficult for me. Even though I know exactly how things are going to go… I just couldn't find it in myself to get this all done in one sitting. I started it directly after posting the last chapter, and had to finish it bit by bit after that. I hope you all enjoy it. Don't lose faith in me, this is a Spuffy fic.

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"Love, I wish you'd look at the truth right in front of your face. Any future with me isn't going to be good for you. It's going to be painful and sad, you won't be happy." He spoke softly, trying his hardest not to cause more tears. "I can't give you what you deserve. You say you don't want it all now, but in a few years, you will."

"No. I won't. In a few years I'll still be sitting here wanting you." Buffy's words were like daggers as she sat up, an angry look crossing her face as the tears kept flowing. "Just get out. Leave me alone. I can't deal with this right now." She stood and walked over to the door, and he just sat there shocked. Whatever he'd said to set her off he now regretted. When she opened the door and gestured out he stood and made his way over to her.

"You have to understand Buffy, I don't want to hurt you anymore than I already have…" he whispered, a pleading look on his face as she closed her eyes and turned her face away from him. With that, he bowed his head in defeat and stepped out only to have her close the door just behind him. If he'd been a bit slower she would've shut his duster in the door. Quickly he made his way back to Giles' flat with a blank look on his face. He had no clue how to fix things this time.

Buffy on the other hand, was seething mad and utterly crushed. The only thing keeping her from curling up in a ball and crying until the sun came up was the anger. How dare he think he knew what she'd feel, how she'd feel? How dare he act like he knew what was best for her? That plan hadn't gone so well the first time, what made him think it would this time? Silently she went to the kitchen in search of another beer, needing nothing more than intoxication at this point. After she'd opened the bottle she downed nearly half of it and began walking around the flat. "Love, I wish you'd look at the truth right in front of your face," she mimicked him in a horrible attempt at a British accent and rolled her eyes before taking another long drink of the beer. "I'll show you the truth." She mumbled before finishing the beer and walking back to the kitchen with the empty bottle. No sooner had she set it down then she'd pulled out another bottle and opened it. "I can't give you what you deserve." She mimicked him once more and bobbed her head as she did so, taking a drink of beer before snorting, "Obviously you don't want to, or you don't think I deserve you." She scowled at the thought and took another drink. When she was about to begin ranting about all the reasons she wanted to hate him someone knocked on her door. "Absolutely wonderful," she mumbled and walked over to open it.

"I'm not here to talk. Spike came back all gloom and doom and… Are you drinking?" Angel had just noticed the beer in her hand. She shrugged and stepped aside for him to come in. "Why are you drinking?" he asked skeptically.

"Because I'm an adult," she smiled and held it up, "And I can drink if I want to."

"Alright, well, back to my point. I figured you might need someone, you know? So I came over. I can leave, I can sit and listen, I can do whatever you want…" he looked at her, worried for her sanity at this point. She'd begun walking around rambling about a 'bloody jerk' and how much of a 'complete fool' she felt. "Buffy, I don't know…" he wasn't sure where he was going with that sentence but he stopped short when she found her way to him.

"Just stay with me tonight, please?" she asked with the saddest look on her face he'd ever seen. When he nodded a sad smile crossed her lips and she took his hand and walked to the couch. "Can you just hold me? Like you used to?" The look on her face was one of defeat as she let the emotions run through her. She was past the point of tears now, and on the look of exhaustion and sorrow. He had no choice but to sit and pull her into his arms and just hold her like she wanted. "Thanks." She whispered into his chest, burying her face in his shoulder.

"Anytime." He mumbled, trying not to get too ahead of himself. While this meant he stood a chance to him, he was nearly certain to her it was nothing more than an old friend comforting her in a time of need. Her heart beating against him was like a sweet melody to an old favorite song. He'd missed the rhythm of her heart. His hand found its way to her back and began gently rubbing circles as her breathing became more even.

"I really missed you." She said into his shoulder before looking up at him and resting her head on his chest again. Her eyes had already begun swelling after all the crying, she just looked so empty. He had to keep control over himself to stop from just pulling her closer and holding her there forever. "I know everything got all messed up last time I saw you, but I just…" her words trailed off. There was no way she was going to talk about him. Not like this with Angel, not here, not now - probably not ever.

"I missed you too," he spoke softly, his eyes falling closed to just take in that sweet scent that screamed Buffy at him. She'd always be that sweet young girl in his eyes; she'd always mean more to him than anything in this world. He'd never stop loving her.

"Remember that first night, when we met. Before I ever found out you were a vampire. When I thought you were just this strange mysterious amazing guy who knew all about my life?" she said, looking across the room at nothing in particular, just remembering. All she wanted to do was get her mind off what had happened with Spike tonight. "I was so lost in you then," she laughed half heartedly at herself and shook her head before quickly burying her face in his shoulder then resting her head on his chest again.

"I remember." He nodded his eyes still closed, unable to look at her. He was afraid he'd do something stupid and mess up this beautiful moment they were having. "I remember this bright, beautiful girl… You were so self aware. Every thing in the world was telling you to quit and you kept on fighting. You were such a strong young lady, now you're this strong beautiful woman…" his words got quieter as he finished and finally died out. She was still staring off at nothing.

"You taught me a lot. About life and about love." Her voice stayed at a whisper. He guessed that her throat was sore after crying. Softly she brushed across his chest, remembering the time she'd spent with him all those years ago, when she was just a young teenager madly in love.

"You taught me a lot too." He replied, his arm moving to lay across her back. "Not a day goes by I don't think about the time we spent together." Quietly, he admitted both to her and to himself.

"I think about it often." Buffy felt the need to let him know she'd never forgotten their time together, although she'd certainly gone days without thinking about it. Most her time spent on memories was spent on memories of her and Spike. She only thought of Angel and Riley on the nights she truly let herself remember her past - every last bit of it.

The rest of the night they spent in silence, just on the couch holding onto each other. Buffy's breathing eventually fell into a peaceful rhythm, which told Angel she'd fallen asleep. As soon as he got a good grip on her he carried her to her room and laid her on her bed. Looking at her for a moment, he brushed some hair out of her face. When he was about to turn around he felt her hand on his. "Stay with me?" she asked, her eyes still closed. He didn't reply, just slid off his shoes and climbed into the bed beside her, noting that her room had no windows before wrapping and arm around her as she turned to face him. Her head found his chest and she was asleep once more – shortly after he fell asleep as well.

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His eyes opened before hers, and he gladly saw that she was still deep asleep. Her face was innocent and familiar, but still slightly puffy from the long night before. Glancing around, he noticed that it was ten and closed his eyes again. Giles had mentioned something as he'd walked out… What was it? Just as he thought he'd remembered he heard a light knocking on the door and his eyes opened again. Before he could say or do anything the door opened and in came Faith, coffee in hand.

"B wake up…" her words fell short when she noticed Angel in the bed. Slowly, the blonde stirred awake and the two glanced at each other, then at her. "Well, good morning sunshine…" Faith smirked as she walked to the bed where Buffy was just beginning to sit up. She set the coffee on the night stand and put her hands on her hips. "I would've brought a cup for you had I known you were here." She laughed and turned after that, exiting and pulling the door closed behind her. Buffy's hands were covering her face as Angel sat up, stretching his arms. She'd confined him to one position the whole night, so he was a bit stiff.

"Faith," Buffy's voice cracked when she said the name. He looked at her curiously and tried to figure out what she'd meant by it, "She can take over the class today… I'll go get some blood – from the butcher." She added before looking around and finding the coffee her roommate had carried in. After taking a long sip of it she passed the cup to Angel and let her hands return to her face. "Ugh I don't want to get up." She scowled and swung her legs over the side of the bed. "Faith," she called a little louder, knowing her roommate hadn't gotten far. Knowing Faith she was probably just across the hall waiting to be called in.

"Yeah B?" she the voice came from outside the door. Buffy could practically hear the smirk in her voice. Of course Faith thought they'd done more than they had last night, of course.

"Can you take care of the class today? I've got to run to the butcher. They haven't… In a couple days I'm sure." Skipping over the worse bit, Buffy explained herself and made her way to the bathroom to brush her hair and her teeth, not bothering to wait for the 'Sure thing,' that Faith let out. Finding her brush, she ran it through her hair a few times then glanced at the mirror before pulling out her tooth brush. At that point, Angel had appeared and leaned against the doorway. "You can stay here, for the day." She said when she'd finally spit and rinsed.

"Thanks." He supplied a grateful smile and held out her coffee but she shook her head and mumbled something about him drinking it before walking past him back to the bedroom and to the dresser in the corner. "You don't have to go. I can wait and get some tonight," he offered, not wanting to put her out of her comfort zone. They'd already caused enough trouble.

"No, I'm happy to." She smiled softly, but it didn't reach her eyes. "I want to get out anyways. I haven't been out since you got here." She shrugged and pulled out some jeans and a red loose fitting shirt. When he turned around she quickly stripped and pulled on the clothes she'd taken out. "You can turn around now." Buffy said before turning back to her dresser to pull out socks. "I shouldn't be too long, but I'll pull the curtains closed on my way out so you can leave the room." She spoke as she walked back to her bed to sit and pull the socks on followed by the boots she'd kicked off yesterday.

"Thanks." He nodded and took a drink of coffee. He wasn't sure if she was avoiding talking about the night or if she didn't feel the need to, but he wanted to. He was curious about what Spike had said, what they'd talked about, and what last night meant. Before he could ask anything, though, she stood and walked out.

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"What was I thinking?" she whispered to herself when she pulled the door closed behind her. While she knew letting Angel stay with her last night was wrong, deep inside something told her she'd not only wanted but needed it. Without realizing it, her feet had carried her straight to Giles' flat. Closing her eyes, she cleared her mind and knocked gently. Giles answered quickly, apparently on his way to class.

"I just stopped by to ask for the key, I'm going to the butcher so I'll have to leave some in your fridge." The words came out a bit more strained, but graciously he handed her the key once he'd locked the door.

"I've left the curtains open. He won't be able to leave the hall. I don't think he'll want to. Whatever the two of you discussed… he's shut himself off in the back room." Buffy nodded at his words and he hesitated for a moment before placing a firm hand on her shoulder. "You'll prevail." He added before giving her shoulder a gentle squeeze and heading off to class. Taking a deep breath, Buffy headed off en route to the butcher.

When she returned – a good forty minutes later – two bags in hand, a shaky hand unlocked the door. Quickly she darted to the fridge, put the blood in, and turned to leave. Of course, though, he'd caught her scent. Without a second of waiting she darted for the door. As it swung shut behind her she heard him beginning to speak, but he'd waited too long. Relaxing, she made her way back to her flat carrying the second bag with some blood for Angel. Since the halls were empty she took her time getting there, not having to avoid the students was nice. It had been a long time since she'd been able to just relax and think, just breathe. In the year she'd spend here, Buffy devoted all her time and energy to the students and Scoobies. Doing that made it easier for her to avoid remembering the time she'd spent with a certain peroxide blonde she'd much rather forget at this point. All the nights she'd cried, the nightmares she'd been unable to escape, all the memories that would rush back… Shaking her head she pushed it from her mind and tried to focus on happier things. Her friends were all happy. The school was doing well. As she opened the door to her flat she made sure to quickly close it in case Angel was in the front room.

"Sorry it took so long." She held up the bag when she spotted him on the couch. "Had to stop by Giles' to leave some there," leaving it at that Buffy made her way to the kitchen and smiled when she turned to find him right behind her. "Someone's hungry." She laughed and stepped aside so he could prep and enjoy his 'meal'.

"Not a problem. I went through some of your CDs and movies, organized them." He shrugged as he pulled the blood out and began hunting for a cup. Once he'd found one he filled it and stuck it in the microwave. "You really need to put more thought into them. It'd be easier to find what you're looking for if you did." As he spoke he put the remainder of the blood in the fridge and returned to the microwave to pull the cup out when it dinged.

"Well, if I did that what would you do with your time?" she asked with a smirk and shook her head. "Want to watch a movie? We can do anything, I've got the day free." She looked around, noting that nothing around the flat looked enjoyable in the least bit. All they had was a training area and the little living room which Faith was the only one to use unless they had friends over.

"A movie sounds nice." He nodded and took a drink, "What movie, though? You haven't got much. Just a lot of comedies and action movies."

"Faith," Buffy shrugged and walked to the DVDs, "She's the only one who watches anything really. She said something about me liking 'Scary Movie' or something. I don't know – it's supposed to make fun of horror movies I guess? She tried to tell me about it but I was reading through some papers one of the girls…"

"I've heard of it." Angel laughed and followed her. "You probably will like it. It's sort of funny because it's so stupid."

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So, you can blame my father for the cut off. I'll be following up shortly. Not sure how to go through the day. All the talking and whatnot. This was too hard for me to write -.- I'm not sure I'm liking this chapter much at all, but here you have it. The next chapter should be written by tomorrow, I hope. Not sure yet. Hope you all like this one.  
Spuffy will find their sweet ending, just stick with me. Sorry if it seems I keep saying that, I just don't want you to think I've turned on you :P  
Much love to all of you and a big thank you to aramaral, she found the story through my Tumblr and literally inspired me. She gave me some writing fire and just her interest helped me decide on how to go with things.

EDIT - I'm not going to be able to get the next chapter up tonight, or even tomorrow. It'll probably be late Friday night before I post again. However, I'll write as much as I can between then and now and hopefully it will be long. Sorry!


	8. Temporary Insanity

This chapter is going to be a challenge. I'm not so good at dialogue unless it's a discussion, so I'm going to have to see what I can do about this. Hope you like it!

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An hour and a half later, Buffy stood as the credits played across the screen. It was only two, so they had another hour before Faith came back from class to kill. Slowly, the blonde stretched to and walked to the kitchen. "It was pretty funny, I'll admit that." She chuckled, remembering a funny scene and opened the fridge in search of something. Angel looked at her over the back of the couch and smiled to himself.

"Yeah, it was good." He nodded and looked back at the screen. "You need help with whatever you're doing?"

"No, I'm just looking around…" she shrugged and closed the fridge with yogurt in one hand before going to the dishwasher in search of a spoon. "What do you want to do now? We could watch another movie… Beat the crap out of the scarecrow thing… I think Faith's got some cards around. We could play cards." Opening the yogurt, Buffy made her way back to the couch and sat back down on the other end with her feet up on the middle cushion. He watched her with a smile as she stuck her spoon in and closed her eyes as she enjoyed the first bite.

"We can talk." He said, on a more serious note. Shaking the thoughts from his mind he turned so he was facing her on the couch.

"Yeah, we can…" she nodded quietly, not really wanting to but she'd been expecting it. If Angel was good at anything it was talking about things.

"Are you going to tell me what happened?"

"Nothing really happened. We talked… About the way we left things. What happened, and him showing up is all. It's all stupid." She shrugged and took another bite of her yogurt, looking at anything but him. Desperately she wanted – no she needed to avoid this conversation, but it was going to have to happen sooner or later.

"Well, do you want to tell me what was said? I know you don't want to, obviously you don't want to, but I think I deserve to know…" he looked at her and tried to catch her eyes, but she was avoiding his stare relentlessly.

"I don't – things were said – it's not," Buffy didn't even know where to begin. She knew he deserved to know what had happened, she owed it to him. Leaning forward she set her half eaten yogurt on the coffee table and took a deep breath before leaning back once more. "I told him… I told him I love him. When he died, just before… I told him I love him and he said I don't and then he died. He died and I left and then he showed up here with you a year later." Biting her lip to gather herself in an attempt to stop herself from crying she continued, "So I told him that – that I'd meant it. That he'd shot me down when I gave him my all, what he'd wanted all along, and that I didn't want to just go back to the way things were before. He said he didn't want that, that he wouldn't have come here if he'd had somewhere else to go. So when he came over, last night, he told me that he'd believed me. He knew before I'd said it, but he told me he didn't so I'd leave. So I could 'live'," she said the last word and it was full of pain. He looked at her, then down at his lap. Angel knew when he'd come over last night that she'd had deep feelings for Spike the last time he'd seen her, but he didn't know she loved him. "He said we didn't have a chance at a future,

"I just, I wish everyone would let me make decisions for myself." Now she was going off topic, ranting, "I'm a grown woman. I know what is good for me. I know what I need and what I want. When did I suddenly become a kid again where I don't know how to think for myself? It's not fair." She wrapped her arms around herself and closed her eyes imagining she was anywhere but on that couch.

"So you're cookies?" he asked nearly silent. The words were just as hard to say as they were for him to think. He looked across the room, away from her. Anything would be less painful than hearing her say yes to his question, and he tried to prepare himself before she answered.

"I'm not cookies… I'm just, I'm half cooked. I'm that half dough half cookie in the oven…" he could hear the tears welling up in her voice before he looked at her, trying to hide the glint of hope in his eyes. She wasn't looking at him, but down at her knees which were now pulled up to her chest. Angel held back the sigh of relief when she said that and nodded.

"I see." They sat in silence for a moment, then; neither knew what to say after that. The worst of the conversation was over, now they were stuck in this half awkward half comfortable (and much appreciated) silence.

"Thanks," she began finally, after a few minutes had passed, "For staying last night. For coming over to check on me." She smiled over at him gratefully and relaxed a little.

"You know I'm always here for you." He said, with a flash of that old smile he used to save just for her. It had been years since she'd seen that smile.

"I know. You've always been there," the words came out as she remembered a night spent in the graveyard of Sunnydale, just after her mom had passed away. He'd come as soon as he'd heard and held her until sunrise. It was comfortable and familiar. They'd always been able to fall back into a comfortable… whatever it was they fell into. Any time they spent together they didn't waste talking about what it meant; they just let it be what it was. He was the only man she'd ever have that connection with.

The rest of the week went by in a comfortable haze. Each day Buffy would teach her class and each night Angel would come over and stay with her until sunrise. She hadn't seen Spike since she'd been to Giles' flat, and in the dark of the night while Angel was asleep with his arms around her she'd thank whatever God it was out there granting her that small favor. Seeing him would be all too much for her to handle at this point. Although they didn't talk about what it meant, Buffy knew the little arrangement her and Angel had was more to him than it was to her. He'd already gotten comfortable enough to wrap his arms around her and take her hands, or kiss her forehead and cheek every chance he got. He wouldn't tell her, but to him just being able to share her bed meant the world to him. Although in his head he was winning this unspoken fight with Spike over whom it was she wanted, he knew deep down that her heart wasn't all in with him. Maybe that little part of her that would always love him was his, but the rest of her belonged to Spike. That was the harsh truth of it, however impossibly ridiculous it seemed to him.

Friday, Giles had decided, was the night they'd have the assembly. That Thursday everyone told their classes and now they were all gathered in the big auditorium waiting for all the students to sit and quiet down. If they took just a few more minutes Buffy was going to the front and make them shut up, but then Angel took her hand and she took a deep calming breath. Nodding, she pulled her hand away and made her way to the front where Giles and the Scoobies were sitting. Spike was in the back corner, as far away from everyone as he could get. Dawn was somewhere near him, Buffy knew that much. The two hadn't really talked since the day they'd talked at Giles' flat. She seemed to be avoiding Buffy just like Spike was. Angel made his way up to sit beside Willow and the blonde standing cleared her throat.

"Alright guys, calm down. I need to talk to you. This isn't going to be long – just a quick warning to everyone." As she waited for them to shut up her eyes scanned the back for Dawn. When she found her sister their eyes caught for a second and then she continued, "The school has guests. They aren't normal guests though. We have two men staying with us, Angel and Spike. Guys, can you come up here?" she waited for Spike to make his way up front, Angel was at her side just after she stopped talking. When finally the blonde beautiful man she was waiting on – she always seemed to be waiting on – joined them she began once more. "Angel and Spike aren't just ordinary men. They're vampires. Before you start with the questions, let me finish." She added as hands darted up, they fell just as quickly. "I know we've taught you to slay, to kill vampires. But these two are very different. Angel and Spike have their souls. No, having a soul doesn't stop them from needing blood to survive; it does however stop them from feeding off humans… Sort of. Okay, maybe I'm not explaining it right. Well, with the soul comes the conscience. Anyone with a conscience isn't going to be able to go around feeding off living people, so they don't they have other ways of going about that that aren't really important. The point is, these men," she gestured towards Spike and Angel standing beside her, "Are friends NOT enemies. We don't kill these two, okay? They're good guys. They fight on our side." She finished the confusing little talk and took a deep breath before looking over at Angel for a little reassurance, "Any questions?" she asked looking back at the students. About ten to fifteen hands went up, which was pretty miraculous for the amount of students. She'd expected much more, but then again it was all a shock to them. It took her a second but she pointed at one of the kids with their hands up so they could ask their question.

"How come they have their souls?" it was a young boy, one of Willow's students she recognized. He'd gone with them once for a weekend slaying lesson, Willow had brought him with them. He was a good kid, quick on his feet. His name was something like Brayden or Bryson.

"That's a good question," she nodded, trying to think about how to answer it. "Well, I guess they can answer that better for themselves…" she bit her lip and looked at the guys, hoping one of them would speak up.

"Mine's a curse." Angel spoke up finally, stepping slightly forward. "When I was a younger vampire, I ran into a group of gypsies. I'll skip over the gory bit, because you don't need to hear it all, but it's punishment for what I did to one of their daughters. It was meant to bring me an eternity of suffering from the pain I'd caused the people I'd killed." He shot a very quick glance at Buffy, then over at the scoobies before continuing. "I spent a long time with it before I learned to live normally with it. I found alternative methods of… Eating and I started a new life of redemption. I've been fighting the good fight for a long time now." When he finished the kid nodded.

"Any more questions?" Buffy asked, but Brayden or Bryson or whatever wasn't finished just yet, he stood and began speaking before she got the chance to call on someone else.

"What about him? Are they both cursed?"

"Spike isn't cursed…" she glanced over at Spike then, meeting his eyes for the first time since they'd begun – since they'd talked. He nodded slightly before stepping up a little and clearing his throat.

"A couple years ago I was taken captive by an underground military base called 'The Initiative'. They were taking demons underground, performing tests on them… Well, they got a hold of me and put a chip in the old noggin." He smirked and knocked on his head before continuing, "When I broke out, I found out the chip made it so I couldn't harm a living person, so I took to fighting demons. Fought alongside Buffy, here." He gestured towards the blonde who'd taken a step back at this point, and crossed her arms over her chest. She had her face towards him, but her eyes were looking past him, like he wasn't there. Little did he know she was remembering it all along with him, letting the images of the past fill her mind and take her over. "Got so used to it after a while, I stopped complaining at some point. It started malfunctioning after a while – bloody near short circuited in my brain. We called the army doc in and had him take it out. After that, it was just something normal for me to fight with the gang." He looked then at the Scoobies, all avoiding his eyes. They all knew things were weird between Buffy and Spike at that point, and they all knew they wouldn't have survived that last apocalypse without him. They were all stuck in between, not sure how to feel about the situation. "I fought for my soul. Went to Africa, worked for it, and returned re-ensouled; it just felt like the right thing to do." He shrugged when he'd finished, lying for the last part. That wasn't why he'd gone and fought for his soul. He'd fought for her, so he couldn't hurt the girl. _'Buffy, shame on you. Why does a man do what he mustn't? For her. To be hers. To be the kind of man who would nev- To be a kind of man. And she shall look on him with forgiveness... and everybody will forgive and love. And he will be loved. So everything's okay, right? C-can we rest now? Buffy? Can we rest?' _he remembered the words he'd spoken to her when she realized what he'd done. When his head was still a mess, full of voices of the men and women he'd murdered…

The rest of the assembly went by smoothly. He tried to catch her eye multiple times as she answered questions, but she wasn't going to let that happen. He knew she wasn't going to talk to him yet – but that didn't stop him from hoping. When finally she dismissed everyone he watched her and Angel leave together, jealousy stinging at his heart as it did each night Angel left to spend with her.

* * *

The next day everyone met up at Giles' flat, which seemed to be their meeting place. He kept to the back room, even though Giles had all the blinds drawn so he and Angel could come out. It wasn't until Dawn arrived that he was pulled out of his thoughts in favor of conversation.

"She still hasn't said anything to you?" the young brunette asked as she sat against on the floor in front of the TV.

"Not a word," he shrugged and offered her a sad smile, "Don't worry about me lil' bit, I'll do alright." He added, noticing the sadness in her eyes when he answered her. The last thing he wanted was to upset the one person who paid any attention to him. At this point she was his only friend.

"I don't understand why she's so upset with you. She loves you, can't she just let whatever it is go and be with you again? That's what it's all about, right?"

"Not quite," he shook his head and closed his eyes, letting their fight fill his mind as he tried to think of how to tell Dawn that was the opposite of the reasoning. "She's upset with me because we can't be together."

"What?" Dawn sat up straighter, confusion covering her face.

"I know she loves me, and she knows I love her, but it's not that simple. We can't be together, as much as we want to be – as much as I want to be." 'I need to be' he added as a though before continuing, "Being together would lead to nowhere. There's no future for us. She's gonna want a family one day, and I can't give her that. Your sister is a strong woman, but she's got this fantasy in her head that she can give it all up – give up her chance at a normal life. You know that's all she's ever wanted as well as I do, and I can't give her that."

"Are you an idiot? Are you blind?" Dawn stood up, anger crossing her face now as she moved to close the door to avoid anyone hearing her. "Buffy accepted a long time ago that she will never live a normal life. Even when she grows old, she'll always be fighting – always. Don't you know that? You know her better than anyone, and you honestly think she still wants a normal life? What did you do with Spike, because you can't possibly be him! The Spike I know would be out there fighting for my sister right now instead of hiding away sulking because he can't give her a 'normal life'" Dawn used her fingers to make parenthesis as she said the last two words. "Maybe I was wrong and you don't deserve her, because man that deserves my sister would know normal will never be a word to describe her or her life." Before Spike could retort Dawn rolled her eyes and let out a tired laugh, "Don't even try to fight with me, because I'm not in love with you. I could dust you right now, you're being so stupid!" With that she turned and opened the door, shooting him one last glare before walking out to join the rest of the Scoobies. 'Lil' bit is all grown up, and just like her sister' he thought as he shook his head and closed his eyes yet again. As much as he wanted to deny it, Dawn was right. He was being a fool.

"You okay?" Buffy asked Dawn when she appeared in the front room. Her sister looked upset, and she'd just come from the room Spike was in so one could only assume he'd opened his mouth again.

"I'm fine. Just annoyed is all. What's going on?" Dawn asked, gesturing towards the table where Kennedy, Xander, Andrew, and Angel sat.

"They're playing poker. 'Cept Andrew. He's dealing." She shrugged and smiled at Willow when she joined them, drinks in hand. Buffy took hers and thanked her friend before turning her attention back to her sister.

"Cool," Dawn nodded, "I'm gonna go back to my dorm. I've got some papers due Monday that I want to get done. My teacher is relentless." Dawn sent Willow a look before walking away. Buffy laughed and shook her head before taking a drink.

"You should really start taking it easy on them over the weekends." Buffy looked at her best friend and took a deep breath. It wasn't until that moment that she realized just how far they'd come. Looking around at the people she'd experienced everything with – with the exceptions of Andrew and Kennedy of course – she realized this was what being an adult really meant. They all had responsibilities; they all had jobs. Everything was stable, there was no big bad or apocalypse happening. They were just… living.

"I assigned it on Wednesday, and then extended the due date from Friday to Monday because nobody had finished it!" Willow said defensively and shook her head, "It's not my fault that teens these days have no work ethic. They always wait until the last minute…" she went off for a minute about all the kids and how easy they had it before realizing she was talking to Buffy. "Sorry, sometimes I just can't stop Professor Rosenberg from popping out. How're you doing, with all the… ex boyfriend business," the question came out much quieter than the rest, in an attempt to keep their conversation private.

"I'm doing. Angel's been great, he's just there, you know? But sooner or later I'm going to have to face Spike." She glanced at the hallway then back at her friend, speaking just as quietly. They stood there in silence for a second before Willow's eyes widened and she spoke again.

"Maybe it'll be sooner after all…" she said nodding in the direction of the hall where Buffy had just looked. When the blonde turned again she spotted Spike making his way towards them, 'excellent' Buffy thought, just what she needed. "I'll just… Yeah." Willow said before walking over to where Giles was standing by the table watching the rest of the gang play poker.

"Can we talk yet?" Spike's voice was deep and husky. Buffy took a second to realize how much more she'd missed his voice. When he showed up it was amazing to hear it because she'd missed it for so long, but now it was different. Now he was here and she could hear it any time she wanted, but she hadn't since they'd fought and she realized just how bad an idea that was now. Instead of answering, she nodded quickly and began walking back to the room he'd just walked out of. If they were going to talk they were going to do it where they had privacy.

* * *

There you go guys! Next chapter should be up shortly, I think. I've already got it in my head. I almost just continued it here and made this extra long, but I'm tired and I already promised a new chapter so here. Have this, I'll give you more soon. Reviews would be lovely (:


	9. Skin

Please don't hate me for how short and how bad this turned out. I promise I'll pay more attention to the next chapter. I've just been really busy the past couple days. I promise the next one I'll put more thought into it.

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"You know, Nibblet's really grown up." Spike said when he walked into the room behind Buffy. She'd already turned around to face the door and crossed her arms in front of her. He looked at her with a sad smile; the tension in the room could be cut with a knife. Slowly, he pushed the door closed behind him.

"Look, you only get one chance and this is it. I'm done playing around Spike. What do you want?" she asked. He sighed and looked at her hopefully before taking a deep breath.

"I was wrong, pet. I was wrong about it all. We do have a chance at a future, and I want to take that chance. I want to be with you Buffy – for real this time. Not just be the one you run from your problems to. I want to kiss you in front of your friends, and be by your side every night. I want it all with you." He looked at her, poured her heart out to her. Although her arms were still crossed over her chest he'd seen a flash of what he saw the last time they spoke cross her face. But that was all it was – a flash – then she was looking at him again with a cold look in her eyes.

"Are you bipolar? You really think you can tell me we don't have a future one night, then turn around and ask me to be with you the next time we talk?" Buffy shifted a little from side to side as she spoke, just slightly. She didn't know if she'd be able to keep herself from falling into his arms or beating him senseless. Was he really trying to take back everything he'd said last week right now? Did he really think she'd just let him in again; forget him telling her he didn't want to be with her?

"I know I said things you didn't want to hear, but Dawn… Dawn explained to me. She made me realize how stupid I was being. Love, I want to be with you like you wanted." Spike took a step towards her, wanting to pull her into his arms and hold her like he used to. Just to feel her in his arms.

"Life doesn't work like that Spike. Just because you've decided I'm good enough for you now doesn't mean you get what you want." She shook her head and closed her eyes for a second, letting her arms fall to her sides. "I spent a year, _a year_," she repeated, to get her point across, "mourning you. I thought you were gone forever." Buffy's words were strained now in an effort to hold back the tears welling up inside of her. Her body was hot and she was fighting to keep the blank face she'd worked hard to put on.

"I spent a week trying not to focus too much on the fact that although you say you spent a year mourning me it took you a few hours to run back to your perfect little Angel. I watch him leave every night to spend with you. I'm not dumb, Buffy. I know where he's going." Spike's words came out riddled with pain. The look on his face let her know he was doing his best to keep himself from yelling. She could remember a time when she'd enjoyed bringing that look out of him. Seeing the passion in his eyes as he yelled at her, fought with her, tried to get her to see that she felt what he felt all along. Her eyes fell shut as his words stung at her.

"I let Angel stay with me because I needed comfort. I needed him. He's like… Angel is like my childhood blanket. He's always been there for me, through everything bad that's ever happened. He's there for me. It's not the same as dying then not telling me that oh, hey, you're alive for a whole year!" she scowled at him. It wasn't like she was trying to flaunt being around Angel in front of him. She wasn't even 'with' Angel. She just needed him, like a little kid needs their blanket to protect them at night from all the scary things in the closet and under the bed. He had always been her blanket.

"Yeah well, if it were army boy instead of Angel would he be your blanket too?" Spike's words were harsh. She stepped back and looked at him a little surprised before she once again suppressed all emotions and stared at him with a blank face. There was no way she was going to win with him, she was slowly realizing. No matter what they would always fight.

"You know what? I don't need to explain myself to you." She shook her head and pushed passed him on her way to the door. When her hand was on the door knob she turned to look at him again. "You don't get to accuse me of anything. You're the one who turned me down." And with that, she was out the door. Once again he'd messed it all up and she was off to spend all her time with broody brow.

* * *

"He's just so… Ugh." Buffy shook her head. She'd excused herself under the pretense she wanted to go home and take a hot shower. The sun was still out, and it would be for a while, so she'd have the flat to herself for a while. Faith had gone out to do something with some friends she'd made at one of the clubs she hit up every Friday night. Tonight she was taking out a few of the girls with Angel for some slaying practice. They were all excited to get to spend time with the 'good vampire'. She'd explained the situation to the girls on Wednesday so they'd have time to get used to the idea before springing him on them. When she reached her door she unlocked it and went in. After checking that she'd locked it behind her she threw her keys on the table beside the door and made her way to her room. "One of these days I swear I'll put him out of my misery." She sighed and shook her head as she peeled off the clothes she'd worn today and stepped into the shower. The hot water felt great as she turned to grab the shampoo and began washing her hair.

A few minutes went by and she was washing off with soap, just relaxing in the water, when she heard something. She figured it was Faith coming home so she brushed it off. Quietly she sang to herself – something she only allowed herself to do in the privacy of the shower. Her voice was far from good and she wasn't about to go around flaunting it. Then she heard a noise again and her eyebrows drew together in the center of her forehead. She sighed as she turned the water off, deciding she'd either have to see what the noise was or kill what was making it – either way it meant getting out of the shower which meant she was angry. Buffy wrapped a towel around herself and walked into her room before she heard the noise again. It was coming from the front door – she was right about that. Sighing deeply she made her way to the door and peaked out the window beside it. "Are you KIDDING me?" she groaned and unlocked the door before pulling it open and making sure to stand behind it so nobody outside could see her. Once he'd stepped in she slammed it and scowled. "What is wrong with your brain? Are you malfunctioning? Did you not understand a word I said earlier?"

"You listen to me. It's my turn now. I loved you for years before you admitted to yourself you felt the same. I let you use me. I fought for my soul for you. I did things any normal man wouldn't do to make you love me. I died for you, pet. I understand you had to spend a year thinking I was dead, but I thought I was doing what was best for you. Now, I see I was wrong and you're telling me I missed my shot?" Spike shook his head, "It's not gonna work like that love. You can't push me away like you used to. I know you – better than anyone I know you. You love me every ounce as much as I love you." He took a step towards her and took one of her hands in his. "I don't care how long it takes. I will sit by your side every night until you see you can't get rid of me." Buffy pulled her hand out of his and crossed her arms over her chest.

"I'm going to go get dressed. You're going to sit in there and leave me alone." She said, keeping her voice from cracking the best she could and pointing at the couch. Calmly, she took a breath and walked back to her room. 'I'll kill him. I'll kill him now then all my problems will go away. I won't have to worry about it anymore, because he'll be gone.' She thought as she walked around her room pulling on whatever she could find that was clean. When she finished she was wearing a pair of jeans and an old sweatshirt she'd stolen from Riley when she was in college. It had become one of her favorite things to sleep in since then. Taking a deep breath in and letting it out was all she could do to keep from screaming. She didn't want to deal with this right now. The last thing she wanted was to deal with Spike. "There's blood in the fridge." She pointed towards the kitchen as she leaned against the wall beside the hallway.

"Not hungry." He replied before turning to look at her. "You gonna sit and talk or stare at me the rest of the day?"

"I haven't decided whether or not I'm going to kill you yet." She smirked and glared at him before crossing her arms once more. Her mind was focused on all the things in the room she could use to kill him. She was trying desperately to avoid thinking about how much she wanted to go sit with him and just feel his arms around her again. It had been so long.

"You're not going to kill me, love. You and I both know that. Just come sit." Spike's eyes finally caught hers and she sighed before rolling her eyes and walking over, arms still crossed. Buffy sat in her favorite chair, across from the couch and folded her legs up into the chair. She felt like his eyes were burning holes in her so she looked anywhere but directly at him. The entire situation was awkward but comfortable in a strange way.

"As soon as that sun goes down you're going back." She said quietly, still avoiding eye contact. Her arms were now wrapped around her. To him she looked like she was in an uncomfortable position. She bit her lip and moved one arm up to rest her head on the palm of her hand.

"You say that now. But sunset isn't for another…" he checked the clock, "Four hours. I'm pretty sure you'll come around before then." He smirked at her and she scoffed.

"You're so disgustingly cocky. Don't you ever get sick of being such an… An ass?" she asked before letting their eyes meet for a second. Slowly the emotions were making their way out, but very slowly. She was fighting them harder than ever to keep from letting him see how she really felt. Half of the reason she loved him so much was because he was cocky. He knew she loved him before she did, and he was blatantly honest about it.

"If my memory is correct, you had a liking for my ass. And my c-" just when he was about to say the last word she cut him off.

"Okay, that's enough. What's it going to take to get you to leave?" Buffy looked at him finally, letting the eye contact last longer than a few seconds. She'd cleared her face of any emotions she thought might be showing and wanted him to think she was annoyed that he'd come over – which she was, just not as much as she was letting him believe.

"A stake." He smirked at her and tilted his head to the side.

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Okay I know I promised a long one but I can't think of any more at the moment, and I don't even think this chapter turned out as well as I thought it was yesterday. So I'm going to start working on the next chapter now and work on it until it's long and well written and full of Spuffy goodness.


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